Forever Flying
by Efcia
Summary: So when I kiss you in the middle of running away from Klingons it's because your lip is split and I'm drowning in my sweat and the whole situation is fucked up enough to make us desperate… Sounds weird, doesn't it. You found yourself a weird guy to be with.


There are two recording chips laying on his table this evening. Two tiny, black squares numbered ONE and TWO and a small, hand-written note: _To Spock from Jim._

Spock freezes; he can still feel the warmness of Jim's blood on his hands, remember the way he struggled to take breaths, how the vibrant blue turned opaque and pale…

He takes the first chip and puts it decisively into the computer.

PLAY

_Hey, Spock. Or should I say: Mr. Spock?_

_It's strange, you know, not knowing how far we went. Kind of exciting too, when I imagine the possibilities but mainly weird. Did I kiss you or only dreamt about it? Or maybe our perfect team work simply couldn't grow into anything else. The funny thing is that right now, when I'm recording this something… By the way I'm totally naming it "Death Letter", there is this cool song, very old and kind of fitting so… But, yeah. Right now we're not exactly friends- I see the potential, I think you see it too but what will happen is a mystery. Doesn't stop me from wanting more._

_I know that when I give this recording to Bones he will yell at me, he usually does it when I act like I'm mortal. Weird, because he yells at me when I act like I'm immortal as well. _

_Honestly? Maybe it's strange idea but I remember reading about this soldiers that gave letters for their families to their battlefield companions so if they died their relatives would still get something. I've read about it somewhere when I was ten, maybe eleven and right from that moment I started hoping that maybe my father left something like this. That he gave it to someone from his crew and when I'll grow up someone will show up and give it back to me so I could learn something real about my father, not this meaningless statistics and anniversary speeches. _

_Needless to say no one ever showed up._

_I think I just that want to leave anyone hanging, you know? Maybe I shouldn't record it for you, maybe it's a mistake and you'll never want to listen to it but at least I made an attempt. _

_But I kind of drifted away from the main topic here, didn't I? So the thing is I really hope I tried to get your attention because, seriously, it would suck if I died without trying. And if I tried then hopefully you didn't kill me for that or stopped talking to me because it would suck even worse._

_You know how we work with each other, right? It's like completely effortless, we might argue on the stage of planning things but later… It's like we know our steps before we do them. And there's more than that, of course._

_So I really hope I did seduce you before dying._

_By the way, are Vulcan's penises green? And please, don't raise your eyebrows in this "you are being an illogical human being. Again" way because I know it's kind of nonsensical to ask it now. You can treat it more like a regret that I didn't find out. Unless I did, then you should know I've wanted to know that since I first saw you._

_Well, that sounded creepy. Just to clear things out I didn't wonder what color your penis is when you acted as my accuser. _

_Anyway. Now you know if you didn't know before._

END OF RECORDING.

REPLAY? Y/N

Spock takes a deep breath, clicks NO and takes the second recording.

PLAY

_Spock. T'hy'la. _

_Hopefully I didn't destroy this beautiful word with my awful accent and I know that you keep saying that my accent is adequate but seriously, it's not the best way of convincing guy he's doing alright. But anyway._

_I guess I could take the first recording from Bones but now, when I know all this things… I feel like the more I leave, the better. Oh, and Bones didn't yell at me after all, but I wish he did. The look he gave me…_

_But yeah, this time I'm not hoping or seeing possibilities because I know how you feel and you know how I feel but I never told everything so…_

_Remember this clusterfuck on Akritiri? Which is, of course, a rhetorical question, no one can forget something like this. _

_But anyway, I was practically sure I was gonna die. I know you kept saying otherwise but when you're bleeding out because of this holes in your body it's kind of hard to stay positive. And I spent this whole time thinking how absolutely stupid I was not to do anything about you, about us. I was so distracted you practically yelled at me and then acted all guilty because you blamed the blood loss but in fact partially it was because I was wondering if I have enough strength to kiss you._

_Remember the following week after that? When Bones patched me up and I started feeling like a person not a sieve anymore?_

_You kept appearing randomly and asking me about my health and every time I wanted to say all this things, some of them romantic, some stupid, some so awfully needy but I couldn't. Because I'm a coward and thought what if I'm wrong, what if I destroy what we built. _

_And then the red alert happened and you kissed me._

_I still can't believe our first kiss saw half of the Alpha bridge crew but at least we didn't have to worry about selling the news to the others. Which reminds me that I need to stop leaving marks on you in the visible places, I'm getting strange looks even from Security now…_

_You know how I'm kissing you randomly? You always get angry because you think my timing is horrible which is kind of true. But mainly… Well, I'm looking for the taste of our first kiss._

_You tasted like blood I tasted like sweat and we both tasted like desperation, it was like the most unromantic kiss in my whole life which is saying something._

_But I really wish I could taste it again._

_So when I kiss you in the middle of running away from Klingons it's because your lip is split and I'm drowning in my sweat and the whole situation is fucked up enough to make us desperate… _

_Sounds weird, doesn't it. You found yourself a weird guy to be with._

_Your shift ends in ten minutes. Until later, then. _

_Later became a couple of weeks, actually. Which is your fault and if you disappear on me ever again I will hurt you. I know it's illogical to say it here and I know I already told you like million times but I need you, Spock, so you DON'T DISAPPER ON ME WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD._

_Damn. It's not what I wanted to have in this recording._

_Okay, so remember when you asked me if your lack of love confessions bothers me?_

_I said no._

_But we both knew it's not exactly true which is kind of unfair because I knew how Vulcans are when we started all of this. But then you did this thing… Later that day, when you melded with me… I have never felt like this before. It was like love was pouring from your whole body and I was bathing in it._

_Breathtaking, better than flying a starship, better than tasting you for the first time, better than ANYTHING ELSE. _

_I got high, never knew you could get high on love. It even showed on my physical later that week, if the look Bones gave me it's anything to go by. I still can feel it when I focus._

_You know, there was never too many people who loved me the right way or loved me at all._

_My mother, for example. She does love me, I know that, but sometimes I think that her love got twisted and changed into something ugly. Or at least uglier than it could or should be._

_And there are people who never loved me, you know, like they never even tried. I did tell you about my stepfather, didn't I? I think I was quite drunk that time but the truth is the truth._

_In all honesty I can't really blame them, it's not like I make loving me easy. _

_I guess I always thought I'm not a very loveable person but there are people who prove me wrong and I'm not really sure, not any longer._

_First came Bones, you know? Lonely and broken, a little bit crazy. He became my older brother and never left me, not when it mattered. _

_I didn't plan on finding a new family, it happened accidentally; but now I have all this people around me who matters…_

_It's scary and it's beautiful and I really don't want you to listen to this recording ever. I don't want to leave you even though it doesn't seem like that from time to time. _

_I just feel responsible. How can I make people to go somewhere where they can die when I don't do it myself? I know it's the curse of being a captain, a team leader but it's simply not how I can act. They are my family after all, you don't send your family to an execution. _

_I don't have a death wish, I promise you. I want to live long enough to see your hair turn grey and I want to complain about old wounds and how they ache in the changing weather. I can even see a cat living with us, I've always liked cats and I think I'm responsible enough to manage a cat._

_The problem is it most probably won't happen and you will listen to this recording way too soon. And that's why…_

_That's why I want to say once again, loudly and clearly and when I'm sober and 100% aware of my surroundings that you are the most important person in my whole life and you make everything better. I wouldn't be a captain if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't see all this amazing things, I wouldn't find my family. Hell, I'd probably be dead long time ago, you saved me countless times. _

_So, please. When I die don't blame yourself. I know you will do it anyway, but when the first grief lessen listen to this once again and think. Really think about mine and your choices. Create a statistics, check all the facts. You will see there was nothing you could do, I promise it._

_And when something happens check on Bones for me, okay? He can be as self-destructive as I am, despite his claims. Nyota will take care of him, I'm sure of it, but you're his friend as well so… I want you to stay on Enterprise, at least until the end of this mission duration as the captain. There won't be any problems from the Admiralty, I took care of it. Do you know that captains can sort of name their successor?_

_Stupid question, of course you know._

_As for the first officer… Hikaru is an obvious choice- he's great but you two were never too close. Play against the rules, when you are the captain of the Starfleet flagship you can do it from time to time and take Nyota. You were always great together, understood each other easily and that's important. You need first officer who understand you instinctively otherwise you are fucked up. Believe me, I know that. _

_So yeah, just take our beauty even farther and discover all this amazing things that are hidden out there, okay?_

_As for me… Do whatever you want. You always know what is best for me._

END OF RECORDING

REPLAY? Y/N

"Are you sure of that?" Leonard McCoy asks quietly, his eyes red-rimmed. "If you do it there won't be any burial place, nowhere to visit him."

"Yes, I am aware of that," Spock says, his gloved hands gently caressing the urn with Jim's ashes. "Isn't that fitting Doctor, though? If we throw his ashes into the space, he will be forever exactly where he should be."

Spock raises his head to look at the stars.

"He will be forever flying."


End file.
